I started my self discovery and healing from narcissistic abuse journey way back in 2016-17 when I would secretly, and I mean very secretly read articles to expand on the ideas allowed in my home and life.  There were so many things about the life I lived in the shadows always portraying a happy life outside the home while fearful and anguished the moment the doors of the home closed.  My secret research to try and understand what I was feeling and experiencing only led me into more problems as I tried to open the doors to therapy in my home.  This idea was met with the force of a brick wall being built all around me.  Therapy was referred to as "those" people who brainwash you with their "ideas".  The only outcome of my secret research had been that I was more confused than ever!  My internal self was a terrified roller-coaster of emotional pain and denial leading me to ideas of escape by suicide.  I was in complete misalignment of who I was as a woman or person and headed into an even more painful emotional fall before I would begin to find peace. 

 

I had been a professional people pleaser my entire life and finally found the strength and courage to change my life in March of 2019 when I separated from a 27 year marriage and put myself and my children into family therapy.  We quickly learned about anger, feelings, respectful ways to listen, and the rage in my children began to subside.  In the fall of 2019 I filed for divorce and by December of 2019 I started narcissistic abuse therapy, which was the beginning of my generational trauma healing journey.  In the early months of 2020 my children moved to the new therapist who had a deeper skill-set and child therapy certifications.  Our recovery work took off at this point.  I would attend all four of my children's weekly therapy sessions, we would have a monthly family (kids and myself) therapy two hour session and then I would have a two to three hour session every week!  This amount of therapy time investment while started in 2019 really increased in time and commitment (NON-NEGOTIABLE WITH MY KIDS; YOU WANT TO GO AND JUST SIT? FINE BY ME, BUT, WE STILL GO FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO UNDO WHAT I DID NOT KNOW ANY DIFFERENT THAN TO ALLOW.) through 2020, 2021 and began to graduate kids and eventually me in 2022.  It was a life altering injury that put me back on weekly therapy in 2022 as a necessary part of recovering from PCS; long term concussion had activated my PTSD and shut down my quality of life. 

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When the kids and I stared therapy, I had teenagers with suicidal ideation, self harming, drugs where entering the scene, vaping, police, self hate, self loathing, theft, and they all were abusing me...their mom (now dealing with active PTSD)...and I didn't even recognize my own children's actions as abuse because what was happening mimicked what they were born into, and how I was treated as normal, which mimicked what I was born into...and the cycle of generational trauma spins...

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The therapy work got harder...and I got more self accountable.  Lost my self sight as a victim and never once let go of my children.  I was an unknowing part of creating their pain and by gawd I would be the reason they unlearned their self hate and abuse and replace it with things we did not know how to be.  Nothing was off limits and our safety within our family unit grew, mended and became slowly over a lot of time investment and really freaking hard work, trusting, understanding, respecting, safe and loving. 

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The undiscovered codependency was a living breathing part of me, willing me to obey, be nice, please, give more of myself, be perfect, accept any behavior thrust at me as being "my fault" and my problem to fix or allow.  All the while being dubbed "the nicest woman in the world" only brought me pain, rejection, betrayal, lies and worse and fueling my confusion and turmoil.  My confusion grew to an insurmountable space and in August of 2021 I finally realized my own toxic codependent ways that were born as a survival mechanism in childhood which began the journey to facing, understanding, dismantling before rebuilding a safe, secure, independent self through psycho-dynamic therapy in 2022 after a life altering injury put my entire world to a screeching halt.  

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Often times the hardest things (new to us things like boundaries) bring the greatest rewards when we are willing to show up for ourselves and do the hard work.  Have the hard conversations that honor us.  Make the hard choices that honor us.  Say no when we want and need to say no.  These things begin to change us.  Every time that we choose our self instead of abandoning our own feelings, needs, thoughts, wishes we put some energy into our bucket of self love, self worth, self belief, and that is exactly what started happening to me.  Every person, place and thing (clear the clutter and mess) that could not honor me with actions and words began to be cut from my life.  Was this easy?  No!!!  It nearly killed me back in October/November of 2021 but while I nearly died, the person who I thought would be there was absent.  Once again my pain and disbelief soared, I was right back at the beginning of my journey!  How could this have happened to me?  What I came to realize, is that I had not changed me deeply enough.  I was still seeing red flags and accepting them as normal.  Meaning that I was still accepting my emotional turmoil as normal.  It was as though there was a sign on me that said "treat me crappy, I am starved for any attention!" ...Humiliating realization that the power was within me all along to simply say, NO!  No more.  

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It was not easy and I did not do any of it alone and that is the key.  You can not unlearn childhood trauma, generational trauma alone.  Escaping into people pleasing and all the other codependent ways of surviving that I used were as easy to me as someone grabbing one too many beers, day after day.  Therapy, books, groups, connection with others healing, reaching out for help saved my life and eventually led me to building a safe self within that still gets adjusted in therapy to this day and it was within this recent work where my Alignment Within became clear.  I could feel the shift in me as I shut even more doors that could not honor or see me.  My skills and talents that have always been there through various community activities now were being put to use in a way that honored my dreams and plans.  No longer was there anyone to please.  There is just me and as long as I continue to turn to honoring my feelings, needs, desires, plans and build towards my goals I grow and glow from the inside out. 

 

My current boundaries are healthy and self loving having developed stronger than ever during my therapy work healing from PCS in 2022 and learning a new normal of putting me first.  This actually makes me a much healthier mother and I have noticed the PTSD has much fewer large flare-ups that impact my daily life.  In the last five years I have done constant self work, changed the generational cycle for my four children and I, said no (almost; still a bit of fine tune work to do) when I needed to, cut people loose (even family members) who are unable to have their actions and words honor me, normalized feeling safe within me and all of this devastating work has put me on the path to doing the work I've been doing for years under my own brand and choosing me in my life. 

 

My choices are healthier and always put me first in my life and now represent who I am at my core values.  No more mis-alignment to myself!  Now the first person I consider, is Nita.  What does she need?  What does she think?  How is she feeling?  Yes!!!I have the right to think, feel, be put into the front frames of my own life!  This action of self has made me a better mom and business owner.  I am no longer in constant pain and turmoil fighting depression, anxiety, panic with PTSD swirling non-stop.  I am Nita.  I make decisions that best align to my core values and when I don't do a very good job with that I forgive myself, discuss it, learn from it, let go and move forward; always.  

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My path to Alignment Within was at the cost of changing the only thing that I could....me.  Come to think of it, that was not a cost at all, it was a blessing. 

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Register today for Alignment Within and build the road to aligning with your core values by identifying your unhealthy traits and learning how to build systems of supporting change in you to bring you into Alignment Within.